literature

The Old Clock

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Majikku7's avatar
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Published:
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Literature Text

Tick tock,
The clock struck one.
A little girl awoke
To the discharge of a gun.

Tick tock,
The doors slammed shut.
All the servants run
In organized chaos.

Tick tock,
Eyes wide in shock.
She watched her father die
In a pool of scarlet blood.

Tick tock,
The clock struck one.
A little girl crying
As her world is undone.
I have no idea what the name should be, so right now it's "The Old Clock" :P Oh well, critiques welcome :)

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tWR critique questions:

-Is the repetition effective or unnecessary?
-Overall impression/thoughts of the poem?
-Suggestions for the title or should I leave it as is?

Link to my tWR critique:
comments.deviantart.com/1/4426…
Comments10
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AlinaBond's avatar
1.) I absolutely loved the way you used repetition in this poem, first with "tick tock", and later on with the entire last stanza. You asked whether the repetition is unnecessary, and even though you probably realize that repetition is one of the most used tools in poetry, I personally feel like it is pretty hard to implement it well and make it meaningful. In the case of your poem, however, it is absolutely perfect!:)

2.) Overall this poem made me think of the World Ward II, maybe the Holocaust... I cannot really explain why, but it's true! Like I said, I loved the use of repetition. In my opinion, it effectively combined something sentimental, peaceful and soothing (the striking of the old clock) with the harsher concepts of death, destruction, anarchy. Repetition was the way to go in this case- it served as a thematic transition device. My only suggestions would be to possibly make each stanza a bit more descriptive, maybe add more pronouns.. for instance make it "cold gun", maybe describe the bullet, or the color of the girl's eyes or how sticky the blood was or whatever. I feel like doing so would help to make your poem a bit more striking, and give it more character. Your overall theme here seems to be death and destruction of peace and of childhood, therefore to improve the poem you may try using more descriptive pronouns to emphasize the contrast between peace and destruction. 

3.) I think since you are already using the pronoun "old" quite a bit in the poem itself, the title needs to be "umphed" up a little bit. Try personifying the clock. Perhaps a better title would be something like "The Cruel Clock" etc. 

Overall- really awesome poem!:) this is my first time critiquing poetry, so I apologize if I made it sound too harsh! Your poem works perfectly well as it is now!:D